The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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