He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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