I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
