Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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