Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
