I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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