you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
