I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
