from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
