had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
