I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
