my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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