dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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