bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
