So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
