i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
