Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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