she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
