I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
