Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
