worst night to have a conscience
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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