I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
