:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
