Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
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