I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
