Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
