I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
