my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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