From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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