Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
