My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
