i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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