saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
