Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
