Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
