You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
