physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
