Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
