she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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