Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
