hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
