Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
