you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
