I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
