i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
