i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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