if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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