As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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