Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
