Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
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